tokyomania

18/05/07 The Big Gay Night Out

2007-05-23T20:43:00.000+09:00

we decided to go to the gay district for a night out. why not.

we kicked the night of in a seedy park with some beers and gin. (were not skint honest)

We went to one place and tagged along to a gay karaoke bar, with some gays. Marie sang like a virgin (madonna) with the gayest U.S soldier guy calld geremy.

here he is!

Marie with a Korean/Japanese.

we went to a club afterwards called aparently "awi fawi" with some guys (japanese) got there and it was called aRty faRty. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

was really fun.

We got the train home at 6 in the morning, I called an english guy a wanker and then fell asleep over this poor japanese guy on the train. How happy does he look?

Got home and seen these pensioners doing exercoises outside the city hall. marie joined in.

Chewy Squid

2007-05-23T20:36:00.000+09:00

MMmmm My favorite. lunch today (17th). was a slap of squid about 4cm by 12cm. I was dreading eating it. The kids have to finish all thier meal, so i do too. It was so chewy, like rubber. You know the feeling when you chew a bit of steak with fatty bits. It makes you retch. that but 100 time worse. No mattet how hard you try to forget what your eating, your brain is saying"slimy chewy squid, with tentacles and shit". I looked up and every kid at my table was bokin (how do you spell that ??????). Totally Gross

Homework

2007-05-23T20:32:00.000+09:00

The kids at my normal school are mad for looking up the dictionary and shouting the words out. Like everyone did. Penis Sex and Masterbate are amongst the favorites, i dont mind, but the jap teacher panics a bit.
Anyway the jap teacher asks the kids "did you do your home work?". This brave little bastard shout "no". so the jap teacher asks "why not" his reply was "i was playing video games instead" WOW. My hero.

Elementary School

2007-05-23T20:15:00.000+09:00

Somtimes I have tp teach at a primary school. And I can say I though high school was crazy. This was like I had been smoking crack. The kids were 8 and didnt speak a word of english. I was their first teacher.
The kids were actually hanging if me; my arms , hair, pulling on my trousers and one boy was trying to swing from my tie. So at that stage I realised I had lost all dicipline and respect. It was a bit freaky, I taught the classes alone. at stages kids would just come to the front and want to give me 5.

During the calss i got the kids to do games and shit like that. and they actually learned what i wanted them to.
"hi , my name is.........."
"oh, nice to meet you................"
"My name is ..............."
"nice to meet you too"

Which is actually pretty fucking hard for them, think we all took french or german for 3/4 years and we couldnt say that in the languages we learned. maybe i could but i am great.

At the end of the class i had prepared a worksheet (sounds boring) I got the kids to line up for a very good stamp. The did. I jokingly pretented to put one on a kids head, but he lunged forward; like he wante it. He wanted one on his hand, i thought harmless. Then all the kids wanted it. went with it. At one stage i though maybe i shouldnt, i looked at the jap teacher and he was smilling so i thought fuck it. They all got stamps. Then I was taking stuff off the blackboard. I turned round and the kids had very good stamped all over their faces. They were liking the stamps and stamping each other. Total madness.

MICROPHONE HEAD
I had 1 class with 100 kids in the gym. just played some games. I had a mic so did the jap teacher. he had his back to me and was explaining something. the same group of 5 kids were hanging around my feet, as they had been the whole day.
I turned on my mic and cracked one kid on the head wit it. made a real cool sound. so i did it to all the kids. The jap teacher stopped talking and checked his mic, he thought his was making the noise. we had a bit of fun doing it again and again. he kept checking his, batteries and all.

Sweets Paradise (12/05/07)

2007-05-23T20:03:00.000+09:00

My favorite place in the whole of Tokyo.
Its an all you can eat restuarant, except only cakes, ice cream, fizzy juice. Its on the 7th floor of a shopping centre, which is its saving grace, as it acts as a deterent for fat people, who would put it out of business.
So for £6 you can have your cake and eat it, or not because when you have finished you juat take another. It lasts for 70mins, they give you a reciept with the time you came in and they check it on the way out.
So imagine all the different types of cakes you can (about 20 types), including big fuck off gateus and cream cakes. And the ice cream is a help yourself mr whippy machine.
I felt like the fat german kid from charlie and the chocolate factory "oompa". Oh I forgot the "mall" was only for girls clothes. most of whom are so conserved nibbling on 1 or 2 pieces of cake. I had 3 mountains of icecream, 2 heaps of cake, 2 coffees, a couple of glasses of green juice. To help explain the size of my plates of cake, may i qoute miss marie yngbrants reaction "oh fuck me!"I could hardly walk after it. and didnt eat the rest of the day.

The suicide 10/05/07

2007-05-10T09:06:00.000+09:00

This is maybe a bit grusome, so dont read it if you get shocked.

So I was standing at the train staion today at 7:05 am. When a express train which doesnt stop at my staion was appoaching. Then all of a sudden a huge bang!! and the train shreeks its horn.

Then all of a sudden, these rocks started flying into my platform at around stomach height. The rocks where hurling past, harder than you could trow them. The rocks were from the train tracks you know the ones around the tracks, about the size of eggs. there was maybe 10 people on my platform and we had to dive behind pillars, to avoid the rocks, they could truly have killed someone, they smashed all the signs on the platform.

So after it had calmed down, I thought fuck, some one has put rocks on the track or the train has scraped the platform! The train was going at about 70mph. I had a look up the track where the train came from and nothing was there, just lots of rocks lying around. Then I looked at the tracks infront of me , There was an arm. Then a little further a womans mangled body. about 2 metres from me. Serious some one jumped infront of the train right across from me. People started screaming, then some people ran away. I dont know why but i walked over to were the body was. guess I thought she was maybe still alive, a japanese guy came too. we had a look and no way was she alive her whole body was twisted at the waist. we just stood and looked at each other.
It was really unreal. Funny thing I wasnt to fussed about seeing it. Strange!

Akihabara (electric town)

2007-05-10T08:55:00.000+09:00

you can actually buy anything electric here! Its crazy, so much technology!

The Biggest Fish Market in the World, Take 2 (this time it was open)

2007-05-10T08:37:00.000+09:00

This place was amazing, huge. you could even pick an alive fish and have it killed. Any type of fish and it was probably there! have you ever seen the size of a tuna, my god!
Ice block man and a ghost!

Basket of fish heads any one!

Some old guys hangin out!

Tuna, they are huge!

Things I found funny or wierd

2007-05-06T15:58:00.000+09:00

Hostess club, for about £15 you can spend 40 mins with these beautys. i like the one in the middle with vampire teeth

Maybe the most exciting park in the world: 1 slide, nothing else

These are sweets, honestly. they are even sugar tasting.

Let me introduce you to the world of alky/alkie shoes. they are every where in Japan

Found these alkys in a park, had to take aphoto. they sit around drinking sake al day. have you ever noticed that no one has a better tan than an alky. the guy in the middle is eating tuna from a can with his fingers. he really doesnt give a shit.

This is a internet room, you can sleep there, shower, call, watch tv and of course go on the internet. If you miss your last train home, great place to spend the night 12:00 till 08:00 is only about a tenner.

This restaurant was only open between 5 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon.

Mmmm, enough said.

Plimsoles

2007-05-06T15:49:00.000+09:00

Of date since, August 2006 I've had approx 8 pairs of plimsoles. known in different circles as 2 bob slidders, pavement slappers, minks nikes, amoung others. to pay tribute to the plimsole I am going to start a plimsole tour of Tokyo. Which is really funny caus you should see the Japanese when i take my shoe of, hold it in the air and take a photo of it. so here we go.

Biggest Fish Market in the world

2007-05-06T13:55:00.001+09:00

As organised as ever we went to the biggest fish market in the world 53acres, selling, all types of fish dead and alive. We went on a public holiday and it was closed.

We walked through the delivery gates, not sure if we were allowed but, they would be too scared to tell us otherwise. this is what we saw. the largest fish market in the world minus the fish.

03/05/07

2007-05-04T23:33:00.000+09:00

The greatest thing in Japan so far!!!!

Sumo Stable. these are the places were sumo wrestlers live, train and eat and eat and eat. somtimes they let people come into watch training, but rarely non japanese. we got in. at 8 in the morning. The room was tiny. about 5 metres by 5. around 10 sumos and 3 trainers sitting watching and us. was really amazing.

There was none of thnormal sumo boring stuff like stamping, throwing salt and that. all they did was fight basically the winner stays on.

Ohh and you werent aloud cameras, I got some sneaky ones in though how could i not.

02/05/07

2007-05-04T23:24:00.000+09:00

Watched the girls basket ball practise today. I was bombarded with questions.
Who is a famous scottish? (they didnt even know sean connery)
Which is your favorite movie?
Do you play sex?
When you play sex, do you finish first or second?
Do you have long penis?
Then one shouts mitchell ha long penis.

Fuckin hell what a situation. my answers where, only joking. i didnt say anything. they are mad.

later the same day, i went to basball practise. and the boys where saying "i want to hold your tits" all of themlike 20, repeatedly. so I did what any selfrespecting english teacher would of done. pointed out that you dont say hold your tits you say feel your tits. they almost pissed thier pants laughing.
Then one shy kid comes up and says i like d cup.
shoot me now, please.

01/05/07

2007-05-04T23:12:00.000+09:00

Cleaning time.
There are no cleaners in japanese schools, the kids clean everything toilets and all.
Its my favorite time caus the kids are at thier craziest. They can chat to me freely. One kid said to me I see Movie, American. They say, I want to hold your tits Ms Anika. I couldnt help it but i laughed. then 10 boys started shouting it. repeatedly. At the same time a group of 13 year old girls were playing , rock, scissors, paper. In japan everything is decided this way. Thet where playing to see who had to tell me they loved me. The class was a riot and totally out of comtrol, was excellent. Then a teacher popped her head in the door, she cant speak english so had no idea what was going on. what she saw was me interacting and having fun with the kids. she told the whole staff room, much praise, sensai mitchell.

30/04/07

2007-05-04T23:02:00.000+09:00

Golden week.

Its a sort of holiday this week in japan. nut being japanese people still work on the tue and wed, all for Japan and all that. We went to the local park as it was so hot.

Found these guys:

Firstly this guy is insane. just walked around and stood in front of peolple, shouting "SAMBA SAMBA SAMBA" and then dancing yes you guest it the Samba. what in idiot. its not even a real mic, its a toy.

This magician guy. we had a slight debate to how old he was, i reckoned 16 and marie though 30. what do you think?

29/04/07

2007-05-04T22:51:00.000+09:00

THE GREATEST ARCADE IN THE WORLD

Guitar Game Tokyo bus driving

Karate kick game Weightlifting game

Paddling Table tennis

28/04/07

2007-05-04T22:26:00.000+09:00

MOUNT TAKOA

The big expedition. we planned, dont know why;to climb this big fuckoff mountain. halfway up it didnt seem like such a good idea, it was sweltering hot. Just as well we chose the difficult route up from the 5. Mmm. after an hour or so, might of been hallucinating or maybe it was the mountain airup; we reached a monkey park, strange but very true. There were a few japanese tourists there. very scabby looking things the monkeys too.

2 hours later the top after a couple of plasticy shrines and temples and statues and gift shops. we were at the top. And the worst possible thing happened, no marie didnt throw herself of the top. The heavens opened, lightning storm. it was raining so hard, it looked like the rain was coming up from the ground.

So after a 2 hour trek, to see the view, we could see nothing for the mist. we being sensible as ever, had climed the mountain in normal clothes: I had my plimsoles on and a 120 quid pair of jeans. my feet were soaked through. Every japanese person over 40 was prepared for Armageddon, they had equipment for every eventulality in their bags. Us and a handful of younger japanese hid under a temple thing, till it stopped. What a great idea that was.

Japanese candy

2007-04-30T21:04:00.000+09:00

Fabulous
and all for 80p

SQUID LOLLY POP ANY ONE

not so fabulous

27/04/07

2007-04-30T20:56:00.000+09:00

I have eaten lunch with the students this week instead of the teachers. who dont speak to me anyway. The students eat lunch in their classrooms. 3 students put on chef outfits hat and all then they march to this room to get the food. they then serve it on trays like in the army, except very inefficient. Seriously by the time my food got to me it must have been touched by about 10 kids, mmmmmm. The whole thing is wierd, really wierd.

I joined soccer club this week too. the kids now love me. for the people who know my novice soccer skills, you will find this real fun. I played a bit with them. and you would have thought i was pele. i could do no wrong with these kids. next day the whole school was takling about me playimg soccer. the coach even asked me for some tactical advice. to which i said i noticed the absence of a goalkeeper. he was made over.

26/04/07

2007-04-30T20:51:00.000+09:00

Kappa.
I work in the total parody school to in Scotland. The students have these pristine uniforms. navy with brass buttons. the girls have hockey skirts and white socks. they all look so smart. the teachers are a bunch of ragged, yokel, pikey, rejects. no joke some of them wear Kappa tracksuits. One even wears one with the brand kaepa (fake kappa) jesus christ i cant take my eyes of it.

23/04/07

2007-04-30T20:46:00.000+09:00

We paid for the movie channel in our apartment. About £7 a months not the cheapest. but it is in english unlike everything else. and you do get a free 24hour porn channel, except all genitals are fuzzed out. you can make out the penis though and folklore is true they are tiny.

21/04/07

2007-04-30T20:31:00.000+09:00

Yokohama.

So after 3 trains and an hour and a half later we are in Yokohama, famous for its tyres. woo.

There is a huge china town, not sure if the people working in the shops and restuarants where chinese or japanese or had dirty knees they all still look the same. Finding something vegetarian was a challenge. i found prawn fried rice, the same as in scotland actually. with one huge difference called cutlery. I had chopsticks. A quick rice lesson; the japanese rice is stick so it all clumps together, easy to eat with the bits of wood. but this stuff i got was single grained. and was a nightmare. it really tok ages,. like 45 mins.

Yokohama was so spacious compared to tokyo. It was originally built by the brittish (ofcourse on the back of the silk trade. then destroyed by the americans in WW2 (ofcourse).

The worlds most unsafe car park, no idea how it works.

Highest building in Japan. was high

20/04/07

2007-04-24T19:41:00.000+09:00

1st grade class. I was writing on the board , and a kid threw a rubber at me. Was funny , didn’t show it. What a brave little bastard. The teacher didn’t notice, so I picked it up and put it in my pocket. When the teacher wasn’t looking I threw it right back at him. He shat himself

19/04/07

2007-04-24T19:26:00.000+09:00

15 year old boy: “Mitchell san you have a very beautiful face”
Mitchell san: “Ehhhh thanks” what do you say to that.

Hated the kids calling me Mitchell sensei or Mitchell san or mr Mitchell, so told them to call me Craig. Didn’t work out to great cause now am called CLAIGO.

This is ground hog day. No joke.
Every morning, the same 2 business men at the bus stop. (maybe not so weird).
I get on the train, same people every day: Old woman with a wig, a huge black school kid, a man whos breath smells like he has just eaten road kill spred with dog shit.
Then walking to school th esame pizza faced teenager cycles past. The same cars pass.
I arrive at school, just as the tea lady is putting a cup of green tea on my desk.

Clockwork every day.

MOVE OVER POT NOODLE.

Theres a new daddy in town. These bad boys are the bomb.

Instructions

Open Part A

Remove, sauce, seasonong and curry mayo. Fill with boiling water.

Close Part A. Remove Part B (the steam vent) wait 2 mins.

add sauce, seasoning stir dress with mayo. Chop sticks included

Taste great and all for only 40p

18/04/07

2007-04-24T19:24:00.000+09:00

Ha entry for the 17th, I said I was lucky not to be singing “I just called to say I love you”. Today I was not so lucky. 2 classes of it. My vocal cords had been warmed up however by the hello song, sung it maybe 5 times per class of 1st years, There’s 4 classes.

Had a look through the text books, to see what else I would have to sing.

1st grade;
Old Macdonald, Please my Postman, Santa Claus is coming to town, Top of the world.

2nd grade;
You are the sunshine if my life, I just called to say I love you, Let it be, Imagine.

3rd grade; Thank you for the music, weve only just begun, I need to be in love, All I want for Christmas is you.

17/04/07

2007-04-24T19:22:00.000+09:00

When I arrived at school today, my worst fear came true, a tape recorder and a song sheet for let it be lying on the desk. Shit fuck shit shit. I had to sing it during a class, was told the students would sing so it would be ok, do you think they did. Did they hell. I said to the English teacher, do you have to sing often, he said yes I will sing; I just called to say I loved I loved you by stevie wonder. I got of lightly then, imagine singing that. I said to him, I will just sing quite, He misunderstood me and offered me his karaoke mike he had brought from home. Dear god. I declined. Then we spoke about karaoke, he said the teachers often go and I should come next time. I said I would but only if the principle sings Elvis.

No joke it has rained in Tokyo for almost 4 days solid! Apparently it gets worse.
Fell asleep on the train coming home from work, ended up way past my stop. Had no idea where I was.

16/04/07

2007-04-24T19:21:00.000+09:00

Was hanging out with the first grade class today (13). This huge kid came up to me and in the deepest voice says hello Mitchell san I am yamamoto. Yamamoto was a colossus, absolutely massive, fat as baby rhino. So we were chatting and I asked him what sports he liked, I should of seen it coming, “sumo wrestler me”. Then he kept hanging around behind me thought he was gonna honcho me. See blog entry for the 19/03/07. basically stick 2 fingers up your ass. I wasn’t having that from baby ehonda, his fingers would probably be followed by his whole arm, imagine the power. So I stood with my back against the wall, he knew I had clocked his intensions. Ha maybe next time, or not wont be letting my guard down around him.

Have almost taught all the classes now. The kids are absolutely great so funny. They got to ask me questions anything they liked. Do you play sex, why are you so cool, do you know marimo (spherical shaped moss), what is you favourite baseball team, do you like britney spears. The list goes on.

15/04/07 YOYOGI PARK

2007-04-24T18:20:00.000+09:00

We went to a place called yoyogi park, freak city. Really look at the pictures. This is basically a place where exhibitionists and other wierdos hang out. Its also a place for different cults. Loilita Goths (french style clothes with a gothic twist) they come in male and female, but all wear dresses, Californian style (fake tan and blonde hair) ravers, rockers, and rockabilly, to name a few.
The palce is actually really cool, there is a long street about 2 km and ever 5 metres there is a band or tap dancer or trumpet player. They are not street performers, they are there to practise, as they cant practise at home.

My favorites where the rockabilly guys, they just hang out dancing to LOCK AND LOLL. One of the guys loved himself, fair play really. But can you imagine them doing that in Troncourt or on gorgie.

I felt so sorry for the guys in dresses. What a fucking shame; poor bastards. Then Marie says “yeah but they like it”. That’s the depressing part. Sad lonely boys who like to dress up as 18th century French gentry, on a Sunday afternoon; and then hang about the busiest park in the most densely populated city in the world. So people can take their photos. Shit they should just kill themselves, you cant get lower. Then I though maybe they get a weird sex kick out of it. Mmm gross. Look at the skinny guys smile. Heres a point for him if he’s reading (as if). If you spend so much time getting ready and dressing up like that, you should make the time to give your teeth a wee brush. Check how yellow they are.

Ha then I wondered if they are mates that would be great, the 2 of them getting a train together. What do their parents think. Or the neighbours “ah there goes young Hoko, dressed like a 18th century French duchess” “what a boy, always up to something”.

Went into this sort of rock punk clothes shop. The guy asked if we were famous, we said no. then he told us Lordi had been in 2 days before us. And they had signed the wall. Shit if we had said we were famous we could have signed it too. We could have said we were Robson and Gerome.
Had a picnic in the park. I was in the middle of this massive biscuit, Check it out. When an announcement came over a tanoy, saying you could not eat in the park WHAT!!!!! Ignored it and finished eating, playing the stupid foreigner.

12/04/07

2007-04-12T19:16:00.000+09:00

Its official the kids at my school are crazy. Went and hung out with them at lunchtime today. (I have to do that stuff). They were totally mad. One little guy came up to me and gave me a pair of sunglasses to try on. When I did 30 kids went wooooooooooooooooooooooo. Then one girl said. Mr Mitchell your cool. Then they asked who my favourite singer was, they didn’t know any of the bands I like. So I asked them they said exile. Is that a singer who know???? They asked me again who my favourite singer was. I was totally stumped and then the Japanese English teacher came up and said some they would know. So I said Michael Jackson. So now 400 kids think, not just that I like Michael Jackson but that he is my favourite singer. Quite funny actually. Then I went to help coach the girls basket ball team. I went out and one girl shouts “mr Mitchell my boyfriend”, shit what a situation, even the Japanese teacher was laughing.

Every day at 2 the kids have sport. Until half 4. what a life. Its really professional. The baseball team had all the gear on, batting cages, the little hill for the pitcher. Training bats etc. the “soccer” team where in full strips. I was mucking about with a basketball and “shot some hoops” got one in from pretty far, luck. The whole baseball squad started cheering.
I should a picture of Marie to the maths teacher today; he said wow is she a movie star. What a man.

11/04/07 The karate kid

2007-04-11T21:27:00.000+09:00

So in a Japanese school everyone does a bit of cleaning, keeps me busy caus to be honest there is only so long yo can sit at your desk and look busy. my desk is right infront of the principle and vice principle. And at the moment i actuall have nothing to do as my classes start next week. so anyway. I was doing the shoe check, they check the shoes so they know who is absent, one way to do it i guess. The vice principle turns and says to me craig san sweep the floor, sweep the floor. (he wasnt being mean just had bad english, will come that); i could hardly hide my excitement. thought i would sweep the floor for 12 hours and then he would come back and have me sanding the floor or wax on wax offin it. no such luck. i swept the floor and he didnt say another word to me the rest of the day. If I didnt have thick skin i would have a real problem here. they dont mean to be rude, infact they are not rude its just how their english comes out. yesterday the principle said to me you have no work go home. was like sound mate. but i could have taken it the wrong way.

the kids are still mental on me, its getting embaressing, i walk down the corridor and kids run out of their class to say hello, how are you. mad. the last teacher taught them so proper english that no one uses.

how are you?

I am fine, thank you. how are you.

I am fine.

Seeyou soon>

screw that, my first lesson is going to be slang greetings.

Whats happnin>

nufin.

sound. what you up tae.

just chillin.

much better

Rained today like nothing i have seen before, actually straight down. and so heavy. umberellas are the norm here. so there is no one to take the piss out of my gents umbrella.

Random wierd stuff

2007-04-09T22:00:00.000+09:00

Mmmmmmmmm the ladies love me!

Who you calling a cunty?, spelling mistakes ar rife in Japan, and prob in my blog too.

You know that shiny plastic food, they have in the windows of japanese restuarants, this shop makes it

Another 20 mins at gas mark 5 please chef.

Japanese Glory hole, thought it would be smaller oh well!

WOW. Tokyo Baby

modern speed boats in harbour

Me going to a fancy dress party, as a mormon, "buy a bible sir fund me christian crusade"

our remote, who knows, which does what!

Me eating dried fishes

check this happy guy

Prison Break

2007-04-09T21:59:00.000+09:00

The Greatest Show ever hits Japan

09/04/07

2007-04-09T21:10:00.001+09:00

First Day at School.

Was shitting myself I would be late so I left the house at 6:30 I didn’t start until 8. Need I say I got there in plenty time. The Japanese are anal about lateness. So arrived easy. Got there some took my shoes of and, well thank fuck I had my own indoor shoes this time.
Got some green tea from the sweatest oldest Japanese woman.

Today was the first day of term, so the new students for grade one were coming.

Picture the scene of the cheesiest American teen movie in the gym (basketball court), with brass band and flags ant decorations and that’s what I walked into.

I the morning I had to give an introduction to the teachers etc. the principle must of took a hard on, caus he said I should do it again to the new students. Ok not so bad bet there more nervous than me anyway.

So they walk into the gym to the tune of the brass band. What. Everyone applauds, (for 3omins), my hands were acing.

Some speeches , singing the national anthem, playing the piano. The pupils not me!!

The English teacher told me I was to do my speech to the whole gym. Fuck me talk about throwing me in at the deep end. Had been in the place for 2 hours and already I was on stage infront of 500 people (the whole school, parents, the board of education and the other teachers.) so hmm hmm, went great actually. Easy crowd. When I said Scotland they went crazy, especially the parents oh Scootlando. They cried.

Oh almost forgot when I went on the stage I had to bow to the BOE, then on the stage to the Jap flag, then to the whole room, but the best bit was when 500 people bowed to me in unison. Surreal. You could actually hear the air move.

After that 5 minutes of fame. All the teachers had to go on stage and be introduced by the principle and then applauded by the pupils. That’s the embarrassing part, I am not just saying this but mine was 10 times louder than anyone else’s.

Just a half day today.

Just before I left the maths teacher and football coach asks what I did in a sat and sun in Japan, stupidly I said not much at the moment, then I immediately thought wrong answer craigy boy. His reply confirmed my concerns “you can help with soccer club on sat and Sundays. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

Followed by the tea lady shouting at me “you mug, You mug.” Yeah I know bitch. Then the English teacher told me, she was asking me to bring my own mug. ahh

So leaving the school, a group of kids shout “see you, See You AGAIN” yes you will at this rate every fucking day for infinity if I have more clubs.

A little further up the street and the parents were there ahh scootlando sensai. Nice too meet you.

Makes a change from waitrose. where’s the femfresh and the anusol son

06/04/07

2007-04-09T20:56:00.000+09:00

Went to meet the principle at my school today! Weird!! Went in had to take my shoes off then put these mad little slippers on that where 10cm too small. So my heel hung over the end. Then in the come the principle, my Japanese teaching man, and the gym teacher (fuck knows why he was there). I had to bow like a hundred times. Was told to make an introduction to the principle and was then told he didn’t speak English. So basically I could have said his mum smoked the pink cigar, didn’t! Hi my name is Craig, I am from Scotland, and I am very happy to be here in your school, felt like an idiot. Then they all spoke Japanese the three of them the guy from the board of education and the girl from my company for like 10 minutes. Probably talking about me, that’s funny how we always think that when foreigners talk foreign around us. Hey kept on making jokes with each other. Then they asked me about,,,,,,,,wait for it,,,,,,,,,,,,,shinuke nakamura!!!! Then asked if I would join the soccer club (don’t get paid for it) but what could I say. Then as we left the room after another hundred bows, the gym teacher came up to me and said I looked liked the waid wity wollers, the wock group, Who, ah the bay city rollers, yep cheers mate! There’s a new one to the list.

Shang a Lang!

Went to a toilet in the train station today. The cleaning sign was up so I didn’t go in. then the cleaning lady who was like 170 said or gestured that it was ok to go in. I went, she followed! I thought ok. So I waited a minute, she got something a cloth or something then walked out. So I stood at the urinal and did my stuff, (you might know how weird I am with public toilets, this did my phobia no good) half way through she came back and started to clean the urinal next to me. Talk about stage fright. Fuck me! Thought she wanted a look at what she had been missing all these years with her Japanese husband, she didn’t even acknowledge me.

Alien registration time. Had to go to the city office, filled in a form, no joke there where 6 Japanese around me trying to figure out how to speak English to me and help me. Felt like the king.

05/04/07

2007-04-09T20:38:00.000+09:00

Went to the Sapporo beer museum, great took 3 minutes to go round. We did however manage to sample some of the not so fine produce!

The Sapporo beer girls, Beautiful!!! (i like the one on the end with the short hair)

Same day we went to the parasite museum, well worth the 40 min walk, if not just to see the guy who’s balls were so swollen they touched the ground when he walked.

I have written about the vending machines before, found one that was for rice by the 10 kilo bag.

Went up this huge skyscraper, the elevator was so cool. Coming down it took 2 minutes from top to bottom. The speed of it put your stomach in your heart, 2you know that feeling”

04/04/07

2007-04-09T20:34:00.000+09:00

The train was so busy today, almost lost my famed cool.

Snacks in Japan are sick, still. see who can spot the little dried fish mixed in with the crisps.

03/04/07

2007-04-09T20:29:00.000+09:00

The area we live in is a little outside Tokyo about 15minutes, hell we are the only whites in he village or so I thought, until we found the Japanese/American Christian society, Christians just cant get away from them.

01/04/07

2007-04-09T20:25:00.000+09:00

The 100yen shop strikes again. Kitted the flat out

100¥ = 45p

30/03/07

2007-04-09T20:19:00.000+09:00

Moved into the flat today (spacious). What a stress to get there though 70 kilos of stuff on 3 different trains.
The greatest thing I have seen in japan so far, was at tokyu, station. We where coming back from our second attempt at Ikea. The staion is massive and probably has over 1 million commuters a day. It is so big it has the conveyer belts you stand on to walk fast, like at airports. It is also pretty close to Tokyo Disney, so full of jap kids with Mickey mouse balloons and shit. So the story goes that the conveyer belts were absolutely packed with people, so we just walked at the side (thank god) because when 1 little kid was coming of the belt at the end he tripped over his Disney bag, then his mum fell over him with his kid sister and before we/ and obviously they knew it, everyone on the belt was tripping over them. It was crazy the people couldn’t stop themselves. The look of panic on the peoples faces who were only a couple of metres away, as they knew they would be all over the floor in a couple of seconds. It was mad.

27/03/07

2007-04-09T20:13:00.000+09:00

Found a vegetarian restaurant, miracle, as they are few and far between here. They served meet anyway. I got some fish, it was boiled cattlefish (sounds pretty normal), prepared in a special way. I am feeling well adventurous in Tokyo. It arrived and dear good, it was a fucking whole octopus squid head thing, sliced. It is actually called a cuttle fish, spelling mistake in the menu. Man it was disgusting, the restaurant was a bit posh (as you can see by the square plates) so felt like I had to eat it. Took some of marie’s sauce to help. It was rubbery, fishy and just wrong. I drew a line at eating the top part of the head. You maybe see why.

26/03/07

2007-03-28T21:21:00.000+09:00

Marie got groped on the train, she was so shocked she couldn’t speak. So I didn’t know. I told her she should feel grateful. Will look out for it next time though, cause if you catch the guy and take him to the police they have to pay you. Money getting a bit tight.

Cheesy celebrity endorsements: David Beckham, has a total shocker on TV, so embarrassing.

Went to Tokyo bay today. Strange place; so modern. Had a look round the Sega theme park didn’t dare go on anything as people were starring at us!

The train to Tokyo bay was amazing it was like in the sims or something.

Ate a Swedish restaurant tonight was. Ace just like in Sweden actually. We had to read a Swedish menu and the Japanese waiter could say thank you in Swedish.

Went to a Scottish whisky bar. The Japanese guy was acting a little pretentious about his whisky then, he found out I was Scottish and he shit himself.

We had to move hotels today, on the company of course, well kind of. We are in the most Japanese part of Tokyo. We are total outcasts; but its cool.

Bought boxers from a 100 yen shop, well baggy and saggy!
Fuck the Japanese have a sweet tooth. Every thing is so sweet. In restaurants you get this liquid called gum syrup, you add it too your fizzy drink. Its like drinking glucose.

26/03/07

2007-03-28T21:20:00.000+09:00

Earthquake in Japan today. 7 on the Richter scale, so pretty big. Not in Tokyo! Seen it on TV looked pretty bad until they cut to a supermarket where they had a couple of broken jars on the floor which suspiciously looked like they had been set up for the camera.

Went to a French bakery, we made a deal to buy the weirdest thing they had. I won obviously. The winner was a flat bread, pink and filleted fish shape, it was also fish flavoured. Never again, ate it though. You only live once.

Watched this sick japans kid toy car building race thing. They build these little cars and the race them on a fixed track, the kids took it so serious had little tool boxes for tuning their “wheels” up.

Baseball is huge. Went to a computerised batting/pitching cage. Quit amazing. A pitcher appears on the screen troughs the ball and wherever his hand is is were the ball comes from (bad explanation I know).

Finished training today.
Got some Japanese snacks, was feeling adventurous after the fish bread. So I got a bag of nuts and tinny dried fish mixed up. Marie nearly vomited, they tasted ok actually; didn’t finish the whole bag though.

24/03/07

2007-03-28T21:19:00.001+09:00

Was sick today. Went to the pharmacy and bought some medication could have been hormone pills for al I know, they worked though!
We have 99p shops which are shit! The Japanese have 100 yen (40p) shops which are amazing. I bought the coolest pair of socks Marie got……. well I cant remember but am sure she loves it.

23/03/07

2007-03-28T21:18:00.002+09:00

Marie seen a man she said looked like a prawn today.

22/03/07

2007-03-28T21:18:00.001+09:00

Sitting in Starbucks (go Capitalism) at the window and a gang of teenagers walked past and then stopped and pointed at Marie.
Japanese porn is censored only breasts. And the fuzz out any vagina. The story goes that a Japanese boy wont even know what one looks like until he sees one in real life.

If it ever comes up in conversation, i will tell the kid, that girls have 2 ass holes

21/03/07

2007-03-28T21:17:00.001+09:00

Got an x-ray in the back of a tiny van( the size of a very small transit). Thought Jeremy beadle and his small hand were going to appear at any time.
Japanese snacks: mostly involve dried fish. Instead of a bag of crisps you have a bag of dried baby squids, heavens above

20/03/07

2007-03-28T21:16:00.000+09:00

Living next too this temple. Fuck its plastic, its real and ancient but the Japanese have managed to make it look fake.

Sushi on a conveyer belt. (yes). Went in and were asked “do you want Winking Power” oh yes (sounds like a good power to me). So she put 2 tiny scoops of powder in a cup and added “Winking Power”. Didn’t feel any different. Maybe she said DRINKING POWDER.
Got a huge plate of sushi. Salmon row (salmon eggs) fuck me are disgusting!! Little reddishy orange balls about half a cm. That burst when you put them in your mouth. Very unpleasant. I can genuinely say I will never eat that again. Washed that down with some sea eel, casual like.

salmon roe is the shit on the cucumber

Arcades: Are like 1000 years ahead of ours. There is a game: anyone remember tamagoichi? Its like that but with race horses. About 20 chairs with small screens face this huge screen. You train your horse, you feed your horse and you even stroke your horse. Then everyone races, sick or what.

We have football cards they have a game that interacts with your cards. You buy, collect and swap you cards. And then the game a little like champ manager! Reads the cards you have. It does this when you lay your cards on a surface in whatever formation you want to play. Amazing.

Me and Marie played a car racing game. I heard some people behind me and no joke but there were like 15 people watching the whites play video games. Got nervous, felt the pressure and crashed.

Old people play arcade games more than anyone. I mean like 60+ sitting there playing Tetris or some other crap.
PACHINKO: like fruit machines without the fruit. Also kind like pinball. No idea how you play it but you win money or as they say medals!

Check out the lookers on this poster for a womens "conversation club". women pay to go and chat to these losers. well if the teaching doesnt work out!!

19/03/07

2007-03-28T21:14:00.000+09:00

Took the subway to a part of town called roppongi. Totally full of whites. Or as the Japanese call us “gijin” (racists)! This place is full of Irish bars and the like. Also full of hostess clubs and there for the JapOphile count was well high. Basically in a hostess club you pay a fee to come in XY amount and you get a free whisky (woo). Then you buy the girl drinks etc. and after an hour you have to pay again. White businessmen everywhere. So if your reading this and your husband is off to Tokyo on business he will probably be spending his time here trying to talk/pay his way to a blowjob.

Came back on the train. Apparently there is a lot of groping on the subway and if it happens the Japanese generally ignore it?!

Talking of groping; I was told at training today that if a kid in elementary school really likes you he will try and stick 2 fingers up your ass. I am teaching high school but I guess there’s always next term.

Went for a pizza and had a squid one.

Cheesy celebrity endorsements:
Tommy lee Jones on coffee vending machine
Cameron Diaz: mobile phones
Brad Pitt: mobile phones.

Mobile phones in Japan are awesome. They look and feel a bit plastic, but if you can think of a feature they will have it. Its common for the screen to rotate, so it lies horizontal and the a little aerial sticks up and you can watch TV or play games. Will get one next week.

18/03/07

2007-03-28T21:13:00.000+09:00

Met up with the company I am working for. Mmmm not decided yet. Americans and Australians, aren’t they the same thing now?! Very loud, happy, in your FACE. (excuse me my American and aussie mates). Nice hotel. Fucking hell the toilet. Was playing about with it. And a little thing electronically (slowly) appeared, I thought what is that and then it sprayed water about 5 foot high and 8 foot across the room, just managed to move out the way and not get my hair do destroyed by bog water. Who wants that sprayed up their ass. Or as I then noticed you could change the setting to have it sprayed on your balls or “flower”. What. I cant stop playing with it. Was going to play a trick on Marie and make her stand in is spray range and set it off, then I thought a bit too cruel.

Every one is wearing masks, you know the ones if your cutting wood, the white fabric ones. I thought why: sars, bird flu, pollution are they surgeons or are the dentists.

17/03/07

2007-03-28T21:07:00.000+09:00

Ok so we have noticed the voltage in Japan is 110V we had to buy transformers to increase the voltage and wattage. When I say Transformers I mean 4 (3 of which we returned). We had to keep returning them as they weren’t big enough for the old GHD’s. The guy fucking hated me.

Not that I am egoistic but, and not that I have a problem not being noticed. And not that I get jealous You should see the people stare at Marie.

One little boy dropped his bottle of juice, when Marie picked it up for him he shat himself; looked like he was about to turn his self inside out he was so scared.
On the subway an old woman actually stared at her the whole journey.
I always catch the fly Jap business men having a perv.

SHES LIKE A FREAK.

Vending machines are everywhere. Selling every thing from eggs to bubble gum (not to be confused). Walked past one and saw what I thought was ice coffee. It came out red-hot. Hot coffee in a can. Good Idea; Tasted Shit.

Dinner time: Sushi was hot on our list. Found a place that didn’t look too intimidating. Have come to realise that they kind of stick you at the back of the place in Japanese style places but in western places they sit you at the door or window, we should start charging for advertising. Anyway ordered a mixed plate of raw fish selection, rice, mouse stuff and soup. The chop sticks again oh no. logically thinking rice with chopsticks ? Soup with chopsticks? And then mouse come on. So we struggled with the sticks. The fish was slimy and impossible to pick up. We persevered! Then the waitress brought over knifes and forks; how embarrassing.
The japans are so conservative and shy during the day. You should see them with a drink in them. Have been told that I will be invited to drinking parties with the teachers and they will try and get you drunk. But they never do.

2007-03-28T21:01:00.000+09:00

Oh Forgot, about flying over syberia. fuck me. we were flying over it for about 2 hours and there was nothing just rock, really flat rocks and then wide mountains. it really was amazing.

16/03/07

2007-03-27T00:04:00.000+09:00

Flight: Because of my hair and because I was using a laptop the Lufthansa stewardess thought I was Japanese. How very political correct. That master race issue must run pretty deep. HEIL. On the same theme they thought Marie was “einen Duetcher” which too holds well with the Arian master race.

First encounter with the strange middle-aged white man who seemingly appears to travel to Japan on “holiday” or Business”. No joke this guy seemed ok, got weird when he literally spoke 5 words to the Japanese stewardess “where do you come from” two hours later after a non-stop effort of trying to catch her eye. He offered her his business card. JapOphile count 1
.
Arrived in Narita airport; First stop toilet!! Behind door number one; a hole in the floor, mmmm. I’ll try again please. And Behind door number two, behold the throne. This thing was an all singing, all dancing, all water jetting, all air-freshening, all seat warming (with temperature control). It even had a sensor to detect when you sat on it, so it could disperse a little stream of water to eliminate any embarrassing sounds. “Hey what about a courtesy flush”. Went well.

Waiting for the train to central Tokyo from the airport, feeling a bit thirsty. Had a look and there was kiosk at the end of the platform. So much stuff that I had no idea what they were. Not sure if I was feeling nostalgic or adventurous but I bought a can yes a can of whisky and water. Fucking disgusting (finished it though), Marie got green tea flavoured fizzy juice mmmm nice, not. Not sure if it was the whisky or the fact that we had been awake for around 35 hours, but when the train arrived all the people got out then the doors closed, and then chairs spun round so they faced the right way.

Some advice if you are going to be faced with the Tokyo underground for the first time, don’t do it with 50kg of luggage and a girlfriend who weighs 7 stone.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?!?

So found our hostel, pretty shit. The room was nice though, so Japanese, with mats and low tables and beds.
I am going to collect photos of all the toilets that I use. This one was that horrible peach colour that we had in the 80’s. an enigma was why did it have a sink and a tap at the top of the cistern. Behold when you flush the toilet the tap runs so you get to wash your hands with cold toilet water.

Went out for dinner: went to a Japanese restaurant. (Japanese in style but also in attitude). They had no English we had no clue. Being a vegetarian in Japan is a nightmare. We got some noodle soup mines had a massive battered prawn floating in it. And when I say massive I mean massive about 15 cm long. To eat the noodle soup we got yes you guessed it chopsticks. Figure that one out! We sort of looked around nervously at what everyone else was doing. Around half an hour later we finished. And then realised that you buy a ticket from the vending machine outside to pay for you soup. They were really nice to us, well to our face anyway. “?!Stupid white people with big eyes and thin hair!?”.