26/03/07

Marie got groped on the train, she was so shocked she couldn’t speak. So I didn’t know. I told her she should feel grateful. Will look out for it next time though, cause if you catch the guy and take him to the police they have to pay you. Money getting a bit tight.

Cheesy celebrity endorsements: David Beckham, has a total shocker on TV, so embarrassing.

Went to Tokyo bay today. Strange place; so modern. Had a look round the Sega theme park didn’t dare go on anything as people were starring at us!

The train to Tokyo bay was amazing it was like in the sims or something.

Ate a Swedish restaurant tonight was. Ace just like in Sweden actually. We had to read a Swedish menu and the Japanese waiter could say thank you in Swedish.

Went to a Scottish whisky bar. The Japanese guy was acting a little pretentious about his whisky then, he found out I was Scottish and he shit himself.

We had to move hotels today, on the company of course, well kind of. We are in the most Japanese part of Tokyo. We are total outcasts; but its cool.

Bought boxers from a 100 yen shop, well baggy and saggy!
Fuck the Japanese have a sweet tooth. Every thing is so sweet. In restaurants you get this liquid called gum syrup, you add it too your fizzy drink. Its like drinking glucose.

26/03/07

Earthquake in Japan today. 7 on the Richter scale, so pretty big. Not in Tokyo! Seen it on TV looked pretty bad until they cut to a supermarket where they had a couple of broken jars on the floor which suspiciously looked like they had been set up for the camera.


Went to a French bakery, we made a deal to buy the weirdest thing they had. I won obviously. The winner was a flat bread, pink and filleted fish shape, it was also fish flavoured. Never again, ate it though. You only live once.

Watched this sick japans kid toy car building race thing. They build these little cars and the race them on a fixed track, the kids took it so serious had little tool boxes for tuning their “wheels” up.

Baseball is huge. Went to a computerised batting/pitching cage. Quit amazing. A pitcher appears on the screen troughs the ball and wherever his hand is is were the ball comes from (bad explanation I know).

Finished training today.
Got some Japanese snacks, was feeling adventurous after the fish bread. So I got a bag of nuts and tinny dried fish mixed up. Marie nearly vomited, they tasted ok actually; didn’t finish the whole bag though.

24/03/07

Was sick today. Went to the pharmacy and bought some medication could have been hormone pills for al I know, they worked though!
We have 99p shops which are shit! The Japanese have 100 yen (40p) shops which are amazing. I bought the coolest pair of socks Marie got……. well I cant remember but am sure she loves it.

23/03/07

Marie seen a man she said looked like a prawn today.

22/03/07

Sitting in Starbucks (go Capitalism) at the window and a gang of teenagers walked past and then stopped and pointed at Marie.
Japanese porn is censored only breasts. And the fuzz out any vagina. The story goes that a Japanese boy wont even know what one looks like until he sees one in real life.

If it ever comes up in conversation, i will tell the kid, that girls have 2 ass holes

21/03/07

Got an x-ray in the back of a tiny van( the size of a very small transit). Thought Jeremy beadle and his small hand were going to appear at any time.
Japanese snacks: mostly involve dried fish. Instead of a bag of crisps you have a bag of dried baby squids, heavens above

20/03/07

Living next too this temple. Fuck its plastic, its real and ancient but the Japanese have managed to make it look fake.

Sushi on a conveyer belt. (yes). Went in and were asked “do you want Winking Power” oh yes (sounds like a good power to me). So she put 2 tiny scoops of powder in a cup and added “Winking Power”. Didn’t feel any different. Maybe she said DRINKING POWDER.
Got a huge plate of sushi. Salmon row (salmon eggs) fuck me are disgusting!! Little reddishy orange balls about half a cm. That burst when you put them in your mouth. Very unpleasant. I can genuinely say I will never eat that again. Washed that down with some sea eel, casual like.

salmon roe is the shit on the cucumber

Arcades: Are like 1000 years ahead of ours. There is a game: anyone remember tamagoichi? Its like that but with race horses. About 20 chairs with small screens face this huge screen. You train your horse, you feed your horse and you even stroke your horse. Then everyone races, sick or what.

We have football cards they have a game that interacts with your cards. You buy, collect and swap you cards. And then the game a little like champ manager! Reads the cards you have. It does this when you lay your cards on a surface in whatever formation you want to play. Amazing.

Me and Marie played a car racing game. I heard some people behind me and no joke but there were like 15 people watching the whites play video games. Got nervous, felt the pressure and crashed.

Old people play arcade games more than anyone. I mean like 60+ sitting there playing Tetris or some other crap.
PACHINKO: like fruit machines without the fruit. Also kind like pinball. No idea how you play it but you win money or as they say medals!

Check out the lookers on this poster for a womens "conversation club". women pay to go and chat to these losers. well if the teaching doesnt work out!!

19/03/07

Took the subway to a part of town called roppongi. Totally full of whites. Or as the Japanese call us “gijin” (racists)! This place is full of Irish bars and the like. Also full of hostess clubs and there for the JapOphile count was well high. Basically in a hostess club you pay a fee to come in XY amount and you get a free whisky (woo). Then you buy the girl drinks etc. and after an hour you have to pay again. White businessmen everywhere. So if your reading this and your husband is off to Tokyo on business he will probably be spending his time here trying to talk/pay his way to a blowjob.

Came back on the train. Apparently there is a lot of groping on the subway and if it happens the Japanese generally ignore it?!

Talking of groping; I was told at training today that if a kid in elementary school really likes you he will try and stick 2 fingers up your ass. I am teaching high school but I guess there’s always next term.

Went for a pizza and had a squid one.

Cheesy celebrity endorsements:
Tommy lee Jones on coffee vending machine
Cameron Diaz: mobile phones
Brad Pitt: mobile phones.


Mobile phones in Japan are awesome. They look and feel a bit plastic, but if you can think of a feature they will have it. Its common for the screen to rotate, so it lies horizontal and the a little aerial sticks up and you can watch TV or play games. Will get one next week.

18/03/07

Met up with the company I am working for. Mmmm not decided yet. Americans and Australians, aren’t they the same thing now?! Very loud, happy, in your FACE. (excuse me my American and aussie mates). Nice hotel. Fucking hell the toilet. Was playing about with it. And a little thing electronically (slowly) appeared, I thought what is that and then it sprayed water about 5 foot high and 8 foot across the room, just managed to move out the way and not get my hair do destroyed by bog water. Who wants that sprayed up their ass. Or as I then noticed you could change the setting to have it sprayed on your balls or “flower”. What. I cant stop playing with it. Was going to play a trick on Marie and make her stand in is spray range and set it off, then I thought a bit too cruel.

Every one is wearing masks, you know the ones if your cutting wood, the white fabric ones. I thought why: sars, bird flu, pollution are they surgeons or are the dentists.

17/03/07

Ok so we have noticed the voltage in Japan is 110V we had to buy transformers to increase the voltage and wattage. When I say Transformers I mean 4 (3 of which we returned). We had to keep returning them as they weren’t big enough for the old GHD’s. The guy fucking hated me.

Not that I am egoistic but, and not that I have a problem not being noticed. And not that I get jealous You should see the people stare at Marie.

One little boy dropped his bottle of juice, when Marie picked it up for him he shat himself; looked like he was about to turn his self inside out he was so scared.
On the subway an old woman actually stared at her the whole journey.
I always catch the fly Jap business men having a perv.

SHES LIKE A FREAK.


Vending machines are everywhere. Selling every thing from eggs to bubble gum (not to be confused). Walked past one and saw what I thought was ice coffee. It came out red-hot. Hot coffee in a can. Good Idea; Tasted Shit.

Dinner time: Sushi was hot on our list. Found a place that didn’t look too intimidating. Have come to realise that they kind of stick you at the back of the place in Japanese style places but in western places they sit you at the door or window, we should start charging for advertising. Anyway ordered a mixed plate of raw fish selection, rice, mouse stuff and soup. The chop sticks again oh no. logically thinking rice with chopsticks ? Soup with chopsticks? And then mouse come on. So we struggled with the sticks. The fish was slimy and impossible to pick up. We persevered! Then the waitress brought over knifes and forks; how embarrassing.
The japans are so conservative and shy during the day. You should see them with a drink in them. Have been told that I will be invited to drinking parties with the teachers and they will try and get you drunk. But they never do.

Oh Forgot, about flying over syberia. fuck me. we were flying over it for about 2 hours and there was nothing just rock, really flat rocks and then wide mountains. it really was amazing.

16/03/07

Flight: Because of my hair and because I was using a laptop the Lufthansa stewardess thought I was Japanese. How very political correct. That master race issue must run pretty deep. HEIL. On the same theme they thought Marie was “einen Duetcher” which too holds well with the Arian master race.

First encounter with the strange middle-aged white man who seemingly appears to travel to Japan on “holiday” or Business”. No joke this guy seemed ok, got weird when he literally spoke 5 words to the Japanese stewardess “where do you come from” two hours later after a non-stop effort of trying to catch her eye. He offered her his business card. JapOphile count 1
.
Arrived in Narita airport; First stop toilet!! Behind door number one; a hole in the floor, mmmm. I’ll try again please. And Behind door number two, behold the throne. This thing was an all singing, all dancing, all water jetting, all air-freshening, all seat warming (with temperature control). It even had a sensor to detect when you sat on it, so it could disperse a little stream of water to eliminate any embarrassing sounds. “Hey what about a courtesy flush”. Went well.

Waiting for the train to central Tokyo from the airport, feeling a bit thirsty. Had a look and there was kiosk at the end of the platform. So much stuff that I had no idea what they were. Not sure if I was feeling nostalgic or adventurous but I bought a can yes a can of whisky and water. Fucking disgusting (finished it though), Marie got green tea flavoured fizzy juice mmmm nice, not. Not sure if it was the whisky or the fact that we had been awake for around 35 hours, but when the train arrived all the people got out then the doors closed, and then chairs spun round so they faced the right way.

Some advice if you are going to be faced with the Tokyo underground for the first time, don’t do it with 50kg of luggage and a girlfriend who weighs 7 stone.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?!?

So found our hostel, pretty shit. The room was nice though, so Japanese, with mats and low tables and beds.
I am going to collect photos of all the toilets that I use. This one was that horrible peach colour that we had in the 80’s. an enigma was why did it have a sink and a tap at the top of the cistern. Behold when you flush the toilet the tap runs so you get to wash your hands with cold toilet water.

Went out for dinner: went to a Japanese restaurant. (Japanese in style but also in attitude). They had no English we had no clue. Being a vegetarian in Japan is a nightmare. We got some noodle soup mines had a massive battered prawn floating in it. And when I say massive I mean massive about 15 cm long. To eat the noodle soup we got yes you guessed it chopsticks. Figure that one out! We sort of looked around nervously at what everyone else was doing. Around half an hour later we finished. And then realised that you buy a ticket from the vending machine outside to pay for you soup. They were really nice to us, well to our face anyway. “?!Stupid white people with big eyes and thin hair!?”.